Surely it means something when the last of one's living grandparents passed away.
Her husband, my maternal grandfather, passed away more than three decades ago from illness, when I was too young to know what was happening, and somehow, excluded from the funeral even though I was there. Strange, I thought later when I grew up. All traditions I know of dictated a role for the oldest grandchild, be it a maternal grandchild or paternal grandchild, yet nothing was told to us, and nothing was asked of us. Perhaps arrangements were simplified - my youngest aunt was going to get married, and some things had to be facilitated.
About a decade later, 1987, my paternal grandfather passed away. This time, I was across the sea, doing my O-levels prelims. It was my maternal grandmother flew in to mind us brothers.
And almost a decade later, it was my paternal grandmother who passed on. Again, I did not go back for the funeral, having received the news when I was in the midst of assisting in a wedding where I was the best man.
My maternal grandmother was the only grandparent who saw me get married and had my first child.
But irreconciable differences severed relations between my and my parents, and she became a casualty. Mindful that she was dependant on her children, and their attitudes towards me and my wife, and their nosiness, it was a difficult decision yet one I had to take forsaking regrets to keep her at an arm's length.
My cousins cannot understand, though they tried to intervene.
When my last grandmother became very ill in recent months, I was urged to give her a call - yet it slipped my mind in the midst of the busiest time at work I ever had in my career.
When I got a message on Saturday that she had been hospitalised again and those of us in Singapore who wants to had better take the next available flight, I knew it was too late. I could only beg God to tell her that I wish her to be at peace.
With her passing on Sunday marks the end of a generation to me.
All of my grandparents passed away and I was not present, and will not, be present at the funeral at any one of them. The first three are circumstancial, but not the fourth. I chose not to be there because I do not want to meet any relatives there, especially my parents and one particular aunt.
And I will not be there either when my own parents go, such is the state of things between us.
I had learned before through attending wakes that funerals are less for the dead and more for the living to come to terms with the passing of someone close.
I turned to my wife and told her I am depending on her to relate to our children her experiences at her grandmother's funeral, and when the time comes, at her parents', both who are still here.
Do I not have feelings? Yes. But things are such that I am choosing not to partake in the normal human experiences when their grandparents or parents pass away.
A freak. An abnormal person. I can only console myself that almost nothing in my whole life have ever been normal, normal like the normal life my neighbours or classmates had known.
Even now, I am struggling, and my wife struggling along with me, to bring about normalcy to our children's lives.
My tears finally came out last evening, but they were tears of anger at those who are responsible for the state of things.
Having been informed of her deterioration, I only wanted for my grandmother to be at peace ...
Oh Snowy: what is the normality? It can be a way to hide ourselves but above all it represents a barrier in our freedom, our way to live. This is not because you are not following the group that you are a freak. No, you are free, conscious of your feelings, of your wishes, with no formatting. It is a very good quality, not a weakness at all...
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for your loss.
Hi Snowy, my condolences.
ReplyDeleteMy grandpa passed away when I was only about few years old. Not much of a impression of him, but from pictures of him, I can tell that like most grandpa-s, he would be a kind and loving one who dotes and spoil their grandkids with anything...
ReplyDeleteMy grandma passed away for more than a decade ago. I remember her as strict yet understanding, and she doesnt spoil us like nobody business. She used to tell us history of her background, how wealthy she were from a family who were landlords of many houses (so she and all her brothers did not have to work, wu-shu was their fave past time), and of course how she met grandpa, only at our much coaxing.. I still miss her today.
My condolences goes to you, Snowy.
My 2nd brother, the only one among us still in touch with the 2 older folks, got the notification last Sunday, just before he had to bring his students on a Cambodia trip. He returned on Thursday briefly, and left to attend the funeral, sans his family members.
ReplyDeleteThat means none of the great-grandchildren of my grandmother was there.
I had mixed feelings a few days back when my cousin SMS'ed my wife to ask for my children's names in Chinese, to be included along in the obituary notice - The split occurred just before Snowylad was born.
I wondered if including it really mattered, but Snowylady persuaded me it does at this time for my relatives, and she informed my cousin the names of Snowylass and Snowylad.
Unlike many other families I know, my introduction to my grandparents seemed almost accidental, and unintended consequence of circumstances beyond control.
ReplyDeleteMy brothers and I were born far away from the hometowns of my paternal and maternal grandparents. During the first few years of my life, I only knew of one maternal uncle and three maternal aunts, all young and unmarried, as being the only relations.
It was only after we flew and settled for a while in JKT that an old man arrived one day in the house I was living in. I was to call him "Ngia Ong", and it was only later that I learned that was the term for maternal grandfather. I think I was 5 or 6 then.
And it was very much later after we moved to SUB that I met my maternal grandmother, one more uncle and one more aunt. That aunt was the youngest, I was almost made to be the pageboy at her wedding (they used the wrong carrot to persuade me - telling me I'll be all dressed up smartly with a pretty flower girl at my side). That was also the wedding that was rushed after my grandfather passed away.
That aunt was widowed shortly after the birth of her 2nd child - a son. That son is my cousin who came to Singapore on a scholarship, and is the cousin who informed me of grandmother's passing.
Later, I was whisked away by a paternal uncle and his wife to BDJ to live with them for what I thought was a short trip but turned out to be a few months. It was in BDJ that I first met my paternal grandparents, and another paternal uncle and other paternal aunts.
I never really understood what family relationship was back then. I was first put up with my paternal grandmother, but life in her house was so boring that I latched on to a paternal uncle who had a kid about my age. After a while, I began to call them "pa" and "ma", thinking I was abandoned by the people who were my first parents. Nobody had explained until much later that my mom was to go for an op, and my brothers were cared for by my maternal grandparents.
I learned much later when I was older that we'd have continued living in HK if my father had gotten a steady job there, and hence, by deduction, seems to me that if not for some unplanned events, I'd not have met my grandparents at all.
I know for most Singaporeans, almost all clan members are locals. But even among the rest, introduction to grandparents at a young age almost seemed routine, even though the grandparents live in another country.