All thanks to the finally-revealed-open-secret of Malaysia's current Prime Minister Datuk Seri Abdullah bin Haji Ahmad Badawi remarrying, wifey asked me "If I die, will you remarry?"
It's not the first time she ever popped this question, of course, but all the previous instances were purely hypothetical ... before we had children ... how will I be able to continue with life ... after we had children ... how should I ensure they are protected ...
I didn't even it coming this time though ...
All she asked me was what I thought about the Malaysian PM remarrying, and I candidly replied it might be good for him. I had in mind that his children were grown up and he would inevitably get lonely.
At the same time, I also had in mind government heads who became widowed in older age, and showed declines in their minds after that - such as Suharto of Indonesia.
Snowylady then immediately said, "So you think it's a good thing. Then you would remarry if I were to die ..."
I protested at that. What's good for the M'sian PM is not necessarily what I want for myself.
I explained that it is my belief that wives are the best people in the world to prevent a guy from keeping inflated images of himself (at this juncture, Snowylass who was supposed to be sleeping but actually listening piped in and ask "What's inflated?")
I affirmed to Snowylady that I never wish to be separated from her, and if I don't have any more concerns for the children being grown up, I'd want to join her.
She reminded me suicide is wrong.
Frankly, I don't know ... I just hope should such a time ever come, the LORD will just take me soon after her.
My pastor has said more than once that God revealed to him that his wife would go before him, so as to spare her the pain of him having to go before her. Not many can say they've such a knowledge.
ReplyDeleteYou will be surprised how people do say they have such knowledge.
ReplyDeleteumm, was watching the Legend of the Condor Heroes again... and reached the part when Huang Rong was badly hurt and the there was talk that she might die. Huang Rong told Guo Jing that she allows him three things:
ReplyDeleteFirst, was to allow him to remarry, but it had to be the Mongolian Princess, because Huazheng loves Guo Jing, and if he should marry someone else, he being so dense, could easily be bullied by his new wife.
Second, was to allow him to erect a tomb for her, (I guess it would be the tombstone she had in mind, like she being his wife) but he is not bring Huazheng to the tomb as she is still a jealous person.
Third, was to allow him to mourn for her, but he is not devastated by her death. He still need to continue living and be a useful person.
I don't suppose Snowy Lady would allow everything of the above... certainly not the marrying of the Princess Huazheng, but of the other two, perhaps, a thought or two. After all, anyone, when leaving this world, would want the persons he or she loves to have a full and happy life, I guess if it means re-marrying, it would be so.
I will only cross that bridge if I were forced to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteMeaning...?
ReplyDeleteFlip the question the other way, "what would I think about my spouse re-marrying after I die?"
ReplyDeleteGood point.
ReplyDeleteIf I died, I hope she remarries. It's cruel to live one's life alone especially in the autumn of one's life.
ReplyDeleteIndeed it is a question that might be worth considering from several POVs, though it might not necessarily help one to get an answer.
ReplyDeleteHow should I consider remarriage if my spouse dies first?
What would I think of my spouse remarrying if I die first?
What would I think of my father/mother remarrying if my mother/father die first?
What would I think of my son/daughter remarrying if his/her spouse die first?
The presence of young children, if any, would also matter very much.
My aunt who was widowed at a young age, remarried a few years ago, when her children are well into their teens. It was a match-made marriage to a widower whose children are grown-up, and it was more for companionship and having someone to care for or be cared for.
All parents would want to ensure their young children are protected, so the idea of step-parents, will not be a comforting one.
But truly, if there is no young children to think of, the only person who is affected by the question is the widow/widower, not the deceased, not the parents, nor the grown-up children.
Ultimately, it is the call of the widow/widower.
I wouldn't have a problem with that, I would want her to be happy and I do not want her to be lonely. Of course the point is mute as far as I am concerned since if I am dead I would lack the necessarily faculties to be affected by the event, or any events for that matter.
ReplyDeleteI think it is only meaningful to consider this if I am married or going to marry someone. Re-marrying is from my perspective a lot easier. You are at that point probably looking more for a companion and your expectations are lower.
I disagree with using the term 'lower', I don't think so.
ReplyDeleteI think it is more to do being more mature, having learned some things from previous experience.
I think of it as being less pre-set in your idea about what you want in a mate, not lower expectations.
ReplyDeleteBottomline, from a woman's point of view, it is an emotional question, nothing to do with logic (looking for companionship etc).
ReplyDeleteI think generally, for us ladies (and perhaps Snowylady has this POV as well), when we ask "will you re-marry when I'm no longer around", we want to hear "No, of course not," but that does not mean that we really don't want him to marry; because really, if death occurs, we want whatever makes our spouse happy, even if it means re-marrying. We just want to hear "no"
Are you sure that is the female POV? 'Cos I'm not sure I would have answered like that.
ReplyDeleteI'm think Sally's point is generally valid ... the key word here is generally ...
ReplyDeleteIt sorts of put the question in the same category as "Do I look fat?" ... but only sorts of, since this question will have a more serious dimension.
One thing females should bear in mind though if a man has answered "Yes." and the unfortunate is to happen, it will be a guilty conscience in his heart to contemplate remarrying even after years of widowhood.
I read of some circumstances in which the widowed men eventually cohabited and all-but-in-name married the women but refused to legally remarry.
It is easy for human beings to make promises against their wishes, and then find loopholes to get around it later, especially when circumstances change.
Individual circumstances would differ, but my message to women is this: You might want to hear "No", but between husband and wife, this is an issue that must be faced honestly.
Perhaps as a woman you might really not want your hubby to remarry or have another woman, for whatever reason. Talk about it frankly.
And face it, other than threatening to come back as an angry ghost (which is quite a horrible thing to do), we can really no more dictate what our spouse is to do after we're gone than we can dictate to our children what to do when they grow up.
This is a question that concerns our emotions, so it will be difficult to be objectively fair about it to the other party, but it will be worse to sweep it under the carpet and pretend all is okay if in fact you do feel strongly about it.