Mob mentality, peer pressure, learning to handle it is part of growing up, I know.
It is not fruitful to wistfully wish that my own child will do no wrong because she will always make the right decision.
Having been no angel myself when I was younger (and not even when I'm older now), I do empathise with the process of growing up for children who will be making more and more decisions of their own.
Even with all the love and guidance, all children will be tested in the real world.
Today, Snowylass and her classmates, all of them except one, traumatised a frog at the backyard of their school. Among 15 of them, only 1 girl stood up and insisted it was wrong. The rest, to varying degrees, bullied the frog until their teacher came.
I was not shocked that Snowylass did such a thing, especially when all her classmates were doing it.
I was not shocked that she was not the girl who stood up against the crowd - I know it is not always an easy thing to do.
I can only convey to her my disappointment, and explain to her why it was wrong.
Snowylady is very sad and wonders if this would not have happened if she was able to be a stay-home mum and have more time for the kids (my fault that she has to work).
But I assured her that even if she was a stay-home mum, our children will still face these trials and not necessarily pass all of them.
I understand fully that for a child to truly learn, she must be free to make her choice. And failure to make the right choice is part of the learning process.
My only question still unanswered is how can we as parents, equip them as best as possible, to have godly values, to make the better choices.
At the school, when we were told this upon our arrival to pick them up, I took Snowylass to the backyard, and then asked her to throw a stone on me as she did to the frog.
She dared not, for fear of punishment.
So how do I make her really realise that being struck by stone really hurts?
As of now, we had told her she won't be going to her friend's birthday party because of this.
That is just a penalty.
We had talked to her to get her, not to understand what she did was wrong (because inside, she does know it was not right), but to help her to be able to have the resources within her to stop and think instead of being carried away, and to have the courage to do the right thing and not the wrong thing when such trials come again.
"do unto others"...
ReplyDeletemost of us will come to understand this in a very personal way. take heart bro, this is part of snowylass's growing-up process.
she has a good dad and mum - that's what matters.
Writing this out helps me straighten out some of my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I want Snowylass to learn?
It's not really that it's wrong to hurt animals - that I think she's already old enough to know.
What I think she needs:
1. Self-control : not letting herself get carried away but learn to stop and think.
2. Courage to stand up for the right thing.
I'll find a chance to talk to her about developing better self-control.
May God gives me the right words for her to learn.
Aye. And I hope she learns this valuable lesson as well.
ReplyDeleteYes I do see your point. It is about having a compassionate heart. This is what we Chinese call jia-jiao 家教. Your little missy will appreciation and understand your intentions when she is a little older.
ReplyDeleteI dont think she dared not for fear of punishment. She did not want to do it because you're her dad and she loves you.
ReplyDeleteOh Snowy, do you think your little daughter would have hurted the frog if she had been all alone in the backyard with the frog ? Sometimes, children do not act the same when they are in a group. She might have been influenced by the other classmates. Maybe she didn't want to disapoint them, even if she knew she was wrong, she didn't want to be rejected out of the group... ???
ReplyDeleteI agree with Moon's reply below :-)
Yes, Liu, that's came into my mind too.
ReplyDeleteIt just so happens that I'm attending a 2-day workshop and I decided to put what I was learning to practice.
This morning, on the way to sending both kids to the childcare, I spoke to her at length, challenging her to think how she can exercise judgment to determine what's right and wrong, because she was using the excuse "I didn't realise it (the very specific act of throwing stone to a frog) was wrong."
I was showing her how she has enough personal experience and teachings from us to be able to think through consequences of her actions, and that she does not need to be told specifically, case by case, not to throw stones, not to throw sticks, not to throw anything, at anything that's not supposed to be a target, be it a frog, or a toad, or even a non-living thing like a lamp-post.
I recalled some of the incidents from her school that she narrated to me before, how her friends were misbehaving but she knew it was wrong and did not join in.
Using the rule of 3, I gave her 3 things to remember.
1. Use her brain to think.
2. Older children don't always do the right things. (Yes, my little girl brought up the fact that the kids from the senior classes were doing it too).
3. Find the courage to do the right thing to stop the wrong things.
I expect she'll still have a long way to go before she really learns these lessons and internalises them. I remember some lessons I took a long time learning when I was a kid too.
And despite knowing all these things, there's a certain melancholy that does not quite disappear.
Thanks for all the encouragements, my friends.
You should get her to read To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, perhaps ... but before I do that, I'll find someone to send her to, to do reading first ...
ReplyDeleteok, maybe not right now...
ReplyDeleteYup, when she learns to read enough to read to others ...
ReplyDeleteI'll probably send her to read stories to grandma then for a while.
Can't imagine how she'll react when she reads To Kill a Mockingbird after that.
Consicousness. Have u ever ask her how would she feel if she's in the frog's position ? How she would react ? If might be too much to ask for a child but very often if the child cannot feel it, it's quite difficult to make her realise the consequences of her action.
ReplyDeleteWell, I did ask her, and she was able to answer that she won't like it at all.
ReplyDeleteBut what I would like is for her to realise it on a very real level, such as personal experience - but not from me throwing stones at her or she stoning the frog.
There was an incident in my childhood that I vividly recall. I was ill-treating a kitten but I did not have the sense that what I was doing being wrong.
ReplyDeleteI believe that children are born without conscience or morality. The sense of right and wrong is taught to them as they grow and become more aware of their surroundings; they start to be able to understand the impact of their actions.
This incident is not about parenting skills or how much time is spent with them. It is a transition that every child goes through. In fact, viewed this way, it is an opportunity for you and your missus to teach your daughter and for her to have a chance to learn.
It is good that you are there to lovingly affirm your daughter and to guide her through this period as she starts to learn what is right and wrong. With this, she is able to develop her confidence and be able to withstand peer pressure.
Good. Treat it as a personal experience for her while growing up, using live examples is more useful than reading from a book.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry too much, it takes time and experience for the child to learn.
And anyway, if you don't mind. let her enjoy the party she is after a kid. Just give a warning for this time. ?