Stupid, stupid, stupid, I totally lost it yesterday.
I was confronted by a guy at the carpark who told me I narrowly caused an accident for his car by disregarding traffic lanes' directions. At first, I really couldn't understand how it happened. Finally, deciding that I won't really know, I decided to apologise first.
But the guy went on to prattle about what's gonna happen if I caused his death, and I went closer to try to apologise more and calm him down.
What happened next was a blur. My wife yelled at me to stop it, and stop acting childishly. Instead, I became worse and became hysterical.
I refused to leave when she told me to, I wanted to apologise, I felt the guy thought I was insincere unless I went to see the traffic junction with my own eyes and was fully convinced of my error. On his part, he began to talk about me being a snob.
I had a quarrel with my wife after that, furious that she was interfering with my trying to communicate with the other guy. Yeah, I know I wasn't doing a good job of communicating, but if the fault is mine, it is up to me to learn to do it and apologise properly and settle it properly.
Finally, I heard enough from her to know that my way of apologising was terrible, sounding callous, and instead of feeling attacked by his prattling, I should let him say his piece in whatever manner he wanted - his mention of death wasn't an exaggeration, he was a family guy who really felt he had a brush with death, he had a real fright.
Suddenly, I collapsed at the realization how totally insensitive, childish, stubborn and ridiculous I was responding earlier. I totally neglected to think about his feelings after the close-accident I caused. I didn't even know what I was doing.
And that's how I have behaved many times before. When I did someone wrong, I say the words of apology, but I had no idea how to empathise with the party I hurt, something I did to my wife many times.
Instead, I just wanted to say sorry, and try to move on to clinical remedy.
This is totally cannot be expected from a guy my age, or even 10-20 years younger.
How is it that I am so immature after all these years ...
为什么我到现在还不懂事?
I felt like I totally missed out on life ... thinking too much on "intellectual" stuff and completely overlooked on life ...
It's frightening ... it's like Peter Pan syndrome, except that I'm a father of 2 kids now ...
Oh, Snowy. What brought that on? *big hugs*
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you should quieten your spirit and reflect. It seems that you do realise your problem. Then, perhaps, it is time for you to remedy that problem with God's grace. Remember, it's all-sufficient...even for fathers of 2 kids...
Snowy, chalk it up as part of your life experience, it might as well as a wake up call for you to understand yourself a little better. You are still you, and someone worthy of respect. It is human to 'loose it', and could see you truly have received a lesson from it all. Give yourself a pat, you have just grown wiser.
ReplyDeleteWhat's on your mind ? There are cases of people with troubled mind driving aimlessly on the road --they actually " could not see " what's in front of them.
ReplyDeleteWe're only human snowy. Its a wake-up call yes, but its little hints like this that help keep us grounded so like they say, live and learn. Don't beat yourself up over it. Be the better person for it, that's what counts.
ReplyDeleteBack in Singapore? Welcome home.
ReplyDeleteHome is where the heart is.
ReplyDeleteIt's good that you became aware of your behaviour (better late than never :)) and are willing to change, that's what counts :)
ReplyDeleteI'm slowly getting over it and trying to internalise the lessons here. Thanks for the encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI am a little late... but hey, cheer up! and Welcome home!
ReplyDelete;-)
Sometimes, I also tend to speak too fast and ended up sounding rude. Then kick myself with regret afterwards for not using my brains first before I speak.
ReplyDeleteSame goes to my writings too. So I edit, and edit and edit.....