Websurdity » Blog Archive » Uncomfortable Questions: Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

http://www.websurdity.com.nyud.net:8080/2007/02/28/uncomfortable-questions-was-the-death-star-attack-an-inside-job/
The article in the link is a parody of certain conspiracy theory regarding the "911" attack that took place on September 11, 2001, that destroyed the Twin Towers in New York City and damaged the Pentagon in Washington.

I am including the article here, in case it ever goes offline. The link is worth a visit, some pictures included to parodised some other claims made.

Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

We’ve all heard the “official conspiracy theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many Americans, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.

1.) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2.) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3.) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4.) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5.) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

6.) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womprats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7.) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8.) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

April 18, 2007 (Wednesday) Singapore's first BYOB Day in supermarket

Forgot today was it when I went to Marine Parade NTUC supermarket during lunchtime.  10-cents donation for a plastic bag from the store if you want one, to go towards Green movement.

What the heck, I got less than half a dozen items, and the carpark is right next door.  No bags for me, though I can't resist donating 10-cents.

That coin would have otherwise accumulate and I'd be tempted to use it for some unhealthy snack.

Cleaning my own place ...

We started engaging the services of a part-timer when Snowylady went back to work.  Our apartment was very small, so 3 hours on a Saturday morning usually got the job done, including the ironing (the only part of the laundry we don't do ourselves.)

The first part-timer was a part-timer for our neighbour, who also baby-sit their children on weekdays.  She worked with them and was so trusted that two other families also employ her on a part-time basis : another neighbour to babysit her daughter who was a little older than mine, and my family for a weekly cleaning.

It worked well enough, until the original employer discovered her pilfering some of their cash.  It was a nasty shock to all 3 families.

It took us a while before we found another - this time, a lady from the Philipines who married a Singaporean and is now a citizen here.  She decided to work to supplement the family income.  After a while, it went well too.  As she got a Primary school going daughter, we were flexible sometimes when she needs to attend to her daughter's school matters.

Though none of the part-timers cleaned the house as cleanly as when we do it ourselves, we lived with it as it allowed us more time with our children, very important as both parents work during the week.

Well, our second part-timer departed too, this time, because she has been taking a part-time diploma course in childhood education and could no longer afford the time to do the part-time work.  We wished her all the best.

So now, it's back to us cleaning our own house.  A life-saver for us is when my mother-in-law offers for us to bring our ironings to her flat and have her maid help out.

Ironing is the most tedious part of laundry work.  I am incompetent at it (my brothers-in-laws laughed and said it's because I never did NS), my wife finds it too time-consuming.

But at least our house is cleaner ... well, at least as clean as we can make it ... still plenty of mess in odd corners created by the children, but we come to accept that living with 2 of them.

We still take the kids out of weekends, and plonk them at my in-laws' place for their naps, while we quickly rush home to do the housework.  Recently, Snowylady even got to go back to school on Saturdays (so much for MOE's plan for Saturday to be an offday) so I did it myself.

The bad thing is of course I got to it alone.

Well, it is also a good thing, 'cos I sometimes annoy Snowylady when we are cleaning the house together.

Anyway, I will definitely not be inviting any friends over any time soon.

Despite the efforts put in, my place is ...homely and very lived-in ... so there.